An Experience in Understanding

Life's Path Questioned

2008-05-22T15:49:00.003-04:00

Have you ever felt that you are walking down a road that could (or even should) be different? I sometimes feel that way about my life. As if the path I am on is not the one I should be on. Not that the path I have chosen is not rewarding and challenging, but rather that it wasn't the optimum path for me. The inherent 'procrastination' in my personality has perhaps limited me from achieving my potential 'glory'. And I say this keeping in mind that life is what you make of it. So, am I making the most of it or just taking the easy way out?

Now, most people who really know me would probably contend that I don't take the easy path. But internally, I know that I also don't live up to my potential. I am confident that I could be successful at Harvard or Wharton, but I didn't even apply. It makes me wonder... Do I sabotage myself? Do I limit my choices because of unconscious insecurities? I have to wonder. I can't help being plagued by envy for those who are achieving the recognition/positions that I aspire to have.

Does the validation of Harvard or Wharton..or even Stanford.. necessary for me to believe in myself? To believe that I am equally capable?

Poor, yet so Rich

2008-03-17T11:50:00.002-04:00

The year of revolution. Not countries, not cities, not communities… just me. Revolutionizing the ‘me’. Pulling down the barriers and fears. Revealing a pride at being the best ‘me’ that I could be. The year of revolution. The year of enlightenment.

What comes from playing safe? Missed opportunities, “what if?” questions that haunt you for years, stunted/limited successes, no real stake in the game of life. You don’t lose…but you certainly don’t win. Do I need to worry about how I am perceived at all times? I have a good heart, altruistic motivators, and an internal strength that is reliable. Why should I really worry that someone may not like me? The year of revolution. The year of enlightenment.

I feel the changes in me. I’m not embarrassed or as shy as I was before. I’m not afraid of confronting things head on. My self confidence has grown, enabling me to calm down and focus on my priorities in life. This year of giving back… The year of revolution. The year of enlightenment.

Confessions of Boxing Vengeance

2008-02-20T11:32:00.000-05:00

In a world filled with dire predictions relating to personal safety, I have taken the initiative to learn some self defense in the form of a Muay Thai Boxing class. We meet once a week to learn technique and build our fighting endurance. This past week’s class was a test to the later. Because we had an odd number of students in class, our instructor asked an advanced student to stay behind after the prior class and act as one of our sparring partners. Given my innate luck to draw expertise whether I solicit it or not held true. I was paired with the advanced student. This guy has been boxing for 30+ years.

Okay, so we had several exercises to do. The first one was a jab-jab-kick-push combo. So, we were supposed to practice for ten minutes with each person taking turns at being the aggressor and the other the defender. Well, as luck would have it… my partner always defended and I was always the one practicing. Which translated into me doing the combo non-stop for 10 minutes. To make matters even more interesting, I was constantly critiqued as to style, force, accuracy, and endurance. I would look at the others in my class and see them laughing… enjoying the exercise. Then I’d be scolded for losing focus and not keeping my eyes on my opponent. I did appreciate the one-on-one tutoring I received from this experienced fighter, but I can tell you I was exhausted.

After the exercise, my one-on-one coaching did not cease. We all do squats, abdominal exercises, lunges, etc. For each exercise we did, he had a twist that made them more challenging and strenuous. Me being me, I couldn’t say no. After all, he is more experienced and was acting as my teacher. No one asked him to do this, he was taking it upon himself. So, I did the more strenuous squats, abdominal exercises, lunges, etc. I was sweating like a man (not something girls like to admit too) and breathing like I had sprinted a mile. He even gave me ‘homework’ to do over the week to help ‘train’ my muscles.

When I returned home, I decided to examine my form in our bathroom mirrors. One weakness that the instructor noted was that my left jab did not carry the same force or speed as my right. I decided to check it out. Sure enough, my left jab looked very girly and lacked momentum. Combined, the jab looked ineffective and definitely wouldn’t do any damage to an attacker. I then decided to see my right jab. As soon as I let the jab fly, I could feel the difference as well as see it. The momentum made the motion a fluid body movement, the speed would surprise an attacker, and the jab looked controlled (thus possibly accurate). But unfortunately, there was still a deficiency in my jab. Not so much form but in my ability to estimate distance. CRACK! My unprotected knuckles made contact with the wooden frame of the mirror, resulting in a scraped skin and jammed fingers. On the plus side, if I was attacked I’d know what pain to expect when my hand made contact with a person.

I could feel my boxing activities the next day; in the blisters on the balls of my feet, the tenderness of my hand, the deep stiffness in my upper back muscles and upper thighs.

Living for Today

2008-01-23T13:26:00.001-05:00

People often say, "Think before you speak." Most assume this prevents you from saying something you would later wish you hadn't said. But I believe that there is a greater application to the essence of this proverb. "Think before you Die." Do you want to be remembered as the person who OD-ed, was reckless, was a family person, achieved the impossible, etc.

So what is prompting this depressing topic. Well, yesterday Heath Ledger passed away. They say it was an accident. I can't help but think how sad it is that he died. He had so much to live for...after all, he was successful, had a daughter he adored, and for all intents and purposes was living a good life. But death doesn't discriminate.

Yesterday, I couldn't help but consider my own mortality. And I started to wonder about how I should live my life given I may 'accidentally' die one day too (car accident, plane crash, brain blood clot....). I came up with a list of activities, movies, food, people, etc. that I wanted to experience. I want my obituary to talk about how I lived my life, how I touched other peoples lives, and ultimately that my life was of value to others. I think everyone's life has value. I just want to ensure that what I consider value is reflected in my life actions. Make sense?

Let's say there is life after death. I don't want to think for eternity, "If only I had..." Instead, I'm going to "Think before I die." Sometimes I think I spend so much time planning the future, that I forget the present. Which leads to a new mantra for me...in the form of one of the oldest proverbs "Carpe Diem."

Changing Winds

2007-12-01T00:03:00.000-05:00

How do you define success? Within the past 2 months, I have come to question my definition of success. After all, is it my definition or just a definition that was assigned by my employer, by my parents, and by the society I live in. I do not believe that I have taken the time to look at who I am and what I need to achieve to be happy. Consequently, that lack of self reflection has pushed me into an environment where I am a chimp. I compete for survival based on a set of rules that have never been actively accepted by me. Did I consciously decide that money, power, and prestige were success indicators for me? As a child, did we consciously covet these things? I remember valuing my friends, family, ability to day dream, positivity. So, why is it that today I have succumbed to the allure of material objects? Did I become that 'comfortable' that I forgot who I was and what I value most in life?

Well, it is better to have this conversation with myself now rather than when I'm retiring. This way, I won't look back on my life and think "If only I had chosen another path..."

My definition of success is waiting to be defined. But it will no longer be defined by the bank, by my parents, or by society. It will be defined by me, accepted by me, and lived by me. Life is what you make of it... a truth that has hit home. And I intend to make the most of the opportunity.

So Happy

2007-10-12T16:05:00.000-04:00

I'm so happy it's Friday. What is it about a 4 day week and time seeming to move slower? It may just me who suffers from this, but I've been thinking it's Friday for two days now. I think I just want it to be Friday that badly :). I think the whole weather cool-down (went from 90 degrees to 54 degrees overnight) and the Monday holiday... It's just combined and made me wish for a weekend to slow down and cuddle up with a good movie/book/blanket.

I also am ready to get out of the office. I can't concentrate for some reason. Perhaps the erratic sleep pattern I've had this week has contributed to the issue. Who knows. This week I went to 3 evening presentations, which meant I wasn't getting home until 10:30 ish. I went to a Kaplan center and took a practice GMAT (which I did well on), then I went to a University of Michigan Ross School of Business Presentations, and finally I taught a Marketing class. And I was so overbooked, I had to schedule more stuff after those evening sessions (such as searching for an apartment).

So, I love where I am living right now. But the commute is killing me. Not that I would stay at my friend's parents' home forever. Anyway, the main thing is I keep thinking that I won't 'figure' out what I want to do with my life driving in my car. I want to reconnect with me and my interests. Of course, the drive did help me figure out one thing... I'll never want to be a bus driver, taxi cab driver, truck driver, etc. You get the gist. I hate being in a moving vehicle (and even more so, traffic) for a few hours a day, let alone ALL day. :)

So, today is Friday... I don't have too many plans. Actually to be exact, I have ZERO plans. I've been craving going to the theater and watching a movie. But I think I will fore go on that... my self imposed budget no longer allows for such things. I do need to find an apartment. My sister just e-mailed me and told me she may be assigned to a Chicago project for a few months... in which case, she thinks I should stay with her. But, I don't know if that's a good idea. Living in a hotel room... Would I just be putting off the inevitable?

Okay, so this post isn't really that amusing or enlightening. It's just a day in my life... or in my head. Sometimes I think that's why I'm so nuts... look at how much is going on in my life and in my head. It would stress a Buddhist monk out. :) Okay, that may be an exaggeration...

Easy Breathing... and not so easy

2007-10-02T16:28:00.000-04:00

I guess I am happier now that I am out of Big-Bad-Corporate-Consultant Life. I feel like I can breathe and be quirky again... :) Not that I wasn't doing this before, I can just do it freely now. It's hard to explain... and yet not so hard. Anyway, I think Chase has let go of me and I have let go of them. We are each other's past...nothing to be too attached to.

Well, life right now is the same as always... I'm commuting way too long to work, which wouldn't be too bad if I didn't have other things I wanted to do with my time. I'm also running in 10 different directions, but not in the ways I want to be. I want to take a painting class... and a Kathak dance class... but, when you spend 3.5 hours on the road, you run out of time in your day. Or you keep spending your weekends traveling... eek, the time flies. So, Step One - I'm looking for a place in the city. I have some possibilities, so hopefully I'll have a place by the end of the month. There is one apartment that has 2 guys and 1 girl already living there. I'm not sure about living with boys... Being a good indian girl, it is not something I have done before. The other place would be me and another girl, but the other girl is thinking of just finding another place to live... so, that's not definite. In the end, I'm sure it will end up being a budget driven decision. Step Two - Applying to Grad Schools. And then Step 3 - Taking my classes... This may happen concurrent to Step Two. So... great plans, we'll see how well I pull them off.

Right, so that's all the news I have for today. I'm excited that I scored free hot chocolate from Starbucks... did I mention it was FREE. :) I'm not a cheapie, but it's always fun to get a little something for free.

Is this Really Work?

2007-09-20T14:21:00.000-04:00

I just ate subway, these apple crisp things, bag of Dark Chocolate Peanut M&Ms, and a bag of Zachary confections Chocolate covered raisins. WOW... what a lunch. So, everything but Subway came from the Chicago Candy and Snacks convention they had this week. I went on Tuesday and basically trick-or-treated my way through the 100+ stands. And did I mention this was all for work? How sweet is that! No Pun intended.

Anyway, life in Chicago is progressing rapidly. It seems life never slows down. Right now, I'm looking for a place to live. I am currently staying with a college friends parents in the suburbs. They are really nice to me and have been exceptional, but the commute is killing me. I always planned it would be temporary...but now I have a certain 'increased' urgency to move, since I hate wasting 3+ hours of my day in traffic.

As for the job, it is a normal 9-5 type of position. So far, it is going really well. I think it will be exciting to work with these small business owners and help them grow their business. It's almost like being a CEO, the way you get to learn how to manage as a generalist and not as a specialist (which is primarily the role I filled before this).

We're not in Kansas anymore

2007-09-10T20:53:00.000-04:00

Day 1 –
Did the day start with an omen? I’m not sure whether most people would consider a 2 hour drive in congested Chicago traffic a good or bad sign to the beginning of this new life chapter, but I took it as par-for-the-course and decided to listen to the Radio DJs’ discuss Britney Spear’s VMA performance, or lack there of. Are we short on issues in America, especially given the upcoming presidential election, that Radio DJs must talk about a pop-star’s performance for 1 hour? And, as a listener, are audiences so disengaged from public/society concerns that they prefer to spend an hour listening to superficial assessments of a single person’s body, performance, or attitude? Perhaps the thought of actually understanding the issues would force them to do something rather than complain…such as develop a solution. Well, how do you change a nation’s perception of what is and is not significant? That’s a riddle that seems to go unanswered for this nation.

So onto things I can control, or at least I think I am in control. I am starting a new chapter in my life. Given the scope of this undertaking, I thought it would be fun to actually keep a blog on a regular basis. So after the traffic came all the good stuff. I was ‘sworn’ (aka signed a piece of paper) into a year of service with the Federal government’s AmeriCorps Vista volunteer program. I also quickly realized that I have had the ‘Bentley’ in terms of health/life/dental insurance, benefits/perks, and overall flexibility while at Chase. As a Vista, I will still have these things, but it is more at the ‘Neon’ level. I can’t decide if I should be nervous or if I should cling to that false sense of security that keeps saying “You’ve never been sick or needed the Bentley insurance before.” Well for better or worse, this will work…

Right, so I arrived at Chicago Community Ventures (CCV) at 10:30 AM after my swearing in and had a tour/orientation. The tour and orientation lasted approximately 20 mins, but covered all the essential components. At JP Morgan Chase, it was a day long event to get oriented. I think I like this expedited process better. It allows for you to jump right into work, that is if I had any to do right away (that whole 'learning curve' thing generally prevents you from being fully functional 20 mins after arriving). Now, I will have my official AmeriCorps Pre-Service Orientation in November that will be 3 days long. So CCV is more efficient than Chase, not sure if I’d say the same about the Government. I guess time will tell when I learn more about what their 3-day oreintation will cover.

Today Marks an Expression of Choice

2007-09-09T14:24:00.000-04:00

If you asked me a year ago where I would be today, it certainly would not have been starting a volunteer program in Chicago. But that is exactly where I am. It's scary... and exciting. I feel liberated and I can already see the idealism/optimism I was known for in college returning. It's the 'It'll all work out' and 'I can do anything' attitude that clings to me like a second skin now. Gosh, I have such a feeling of hope. It's so hard to describe in words.

So, what has brought these changes in mindset... I resigned from JP Morgan Chase at the end of August. I had originally planned on joining an MBA program, but decided to defer my enrollment for one year. I also have relocated from Columbus Ohio and now live in Chicago, IL. :) I'm very happy about this location change.

Over the next year, I am participating in a social service/volunteer program called AmeriCorps Vista. For those of you who are familiar with the Peace Corps, this is similar except that it is domestic instead of international in scope. Through AmeriCorps Vista, I was assigned to work with a not-for-profit that focuses on Economic Development in low-income areas of Chicago. I am primarily responsible for developing business classes (Marketing, Pricing strategies, Sales, Negotiation, etc.) for established business owners to enroll in to advance/grow their business. Additionally, I am doing counseling work with business owners on a 1-on-1 basis to help develop their strategy for business growth, sales, etc. (almost like consulting work).

So the selfish side of me is going to be sure to enjoy the year and try to find what truly motivates me. And then figure out how to get a job doing that! So I may or may not end up in B-school... I guess we'll see.

Another Airport, Another LONG Wait

2007-01-23T10:48:00.000-05:00

Flight delays, re-routes, and cancellations are a constant in my life. Understanding how airports work, when flights will or will not be delayed, peak travel times for business and personal travel, and common airport ettiquette are essential to successfully navigating this world of mass trasportation. I'm always trying to optimize my time so that I spend as little time as possible in an airport and airplane. I am strategic about my seat choice, have a defined MO for boarding adn departing planes (not to mention packing and security), and understand how to work around/with airline rules.

All of this is useless if you sleep late and miss your flight... which I did this morning. So my current wait is my own fault, which is a bit more frustrating. I had a 6 AM flight, which means I'd have had to wake up at 4:00 AM, left my house by 4:45 AM and arrived at the airport by 5:15-5:30 AM. My phone alarm did not go off (which is odd, need to figure out what is wrong with it) and I woke up at 6:30. Then I realized that I had left my purse at work... overnight. So, I had to drive 30 mins to get to my office, grabbed my purse, and then drove 20 mins to arrive at the airport at 8:00 AM. Of course, then I had to ride the little bus from the car park to the terminal. So in the end, I was at the airline counter around 8:20. That is 3 hours behind schedule. And then to make matters worse, the earliest flight to Boston on American leaves at 11:30 AM. Well, I got my new ticket and realized I had left my work badge in my car... so off I went, back to my car to grab my badge, and then back to the terminal. Somehow this flight will be impossible for even me to miss. Though I'm sure I can figure something out to make that happen.

I'm so sleepy... and have a cold. Last night I went to this ballroom dancing class and felt really bad b/c I didn't want someone holding my infected hands. Alas, what else could I do? It is so much fun to go to that class. I normally am fairly adept at learning dances and what not, but I really suck at this whole ballroom thing. I think there is an element of preciseness that I can't get my 'free-style', rule free experience to accept. You have to hold your frame a certain way, no slumping allowed, and your head has to angle and hold at a certain degree to look graceful. All in all, it's beautiful to watch... but quite a bit of hard work. I have a new respect for those who participate in "Dancing with the Stars". I can't imagine perfecting those routines in 1 week.

I've been cheating...

2007-01-15T22:31:00.000-05:00

So, although it seems as if I haven't blogged in a while... it's not quite true. I've been journaling about a very specific topic, BOYS, on Live Journal as well as writing in a physical journal. Now, the simple thing would have been to just blog it on this one, but the whole idea was to keep it private. But, given the multiple blogs and journals I have, my writing consistency would have been better with one single writing venue. So my new goal is to consolidate. I have a feeling this may become a bit painful, but it will be worth it after it's all finished. After all, can you imagine the memories that are captured. I was reading some of the old, old posts and getting such a kick out of them, the things I thought were so important back then, and the decisions I thought I'd never have to make. It is refreshing to read how naive I was once upon a time. It also reminds me of all the hobbies I seem to have stopped and the 'likes' I have put aside. No matter what happens with my applications to MBA programs, I am determined to resuscitate the old Aarti and get back to being me.

So, I've applied to graduate school. Early April is when I will find out where I have been given admission. I keep having this irrational fear that I will be rejected from every school I have applied to. That would be very disheartening. I really want to go to Michigan, but it's a very competitive program and I just don't think my grades and GMAT score are good enough. Their good, but not as stellar as I'd like... ie perfect. ;) However, my experience is very competitive, not to mention my community involvement and interests outside of work. I'm taking the GMAT again, hopefully my score will improve the second time around to make my application more competitive. I guess everything works out the way it should in life, you just have to keep a positive attitude and make the best of each opportunity.

Hmm... Orange (and Blue)

2006-07-02T15:05:00.000-04:00

You Are an Orange Martini

Everyone's favorite drunk, you're fun, flirty, and charming.

Unfortunately, you often spark jealousy - and unintentionally start bar fights.

You should never: Drink and dial. You'll just end up with multiple booty calls at your door!

Your ideal party: Is huge and lively. You love to work a crowd.

Your drinking soulmates: those with a Blueberry Martini personality

Your drinking rivals: those with a Dirty Martini personality

What Flavor Martini Are You?

My Humps, My humps, My humps...

2006-05-01T11:31:00.000-04:00

As you can probably guess... I went to the Black Eyed Peas concert last night. Why that prompted me to end my blogging abstinence, I can't really say. I think it is a case of free time and a need to document my life right now.

I came to visit uncle/cousin/whatever this weekend in PA. It's long over due, almost 2 years overdue. But alas, I've made it. I really like State College. It's so green and peaceful. It's hard to describe. I'm hoping to come back this summer when everything is in bloom, leafy... you know, Nature's best. Maybe we can go hiking, rafting, canoeing, or do it all. That sounds like a fun weekend to me, especially given my current travel insanity.

So, yes, I travel quite bit for my consluting role. Mon-Thurs... though, occassionally, Mon - Fri. It's interesting work, but a bit tiring. I feel like my ears never adjust to being back on earth, they are in the constant 'plane' state and I'm always waiting for them to pop so I can hear again.

Confusion

2006-02-20T00:19:00.000-05:00

Okay, so many things are going right in my life... when compared with others. But I can't help feeling that I keep missing out on things, or not making my goals, or feeling as if I'm never going to get to that place I am not aware of wanting to be. Maybe I'm just lost. But I think I have been this way my whole life; Always holding back, talking my heart out of what it wants to do/say, calculating the risk/vunerability of situations, letting life pass by. Is this my destiny? To always feel like I'm only half alive?

Or do others feel the same way? Maybe we are all sharing the same thoughts and are oblivious to the difference or pretending not to notice. I know the imp in my well. The side that has so many 'crazy' brainy ideas, always pushing the limits, defining life on my terms... 99% of the time, this side is dormant. It's almost like I'm frightened of that side, of being looked down upon, or of being the odd one at family functions. There are times this side is set free, which is the 1% of the time when alcohol is present.

Hee hee.... okay, not only when I've had a few drinks. Close friends get that side too. Perhaps that's the problem... almost 3 years in Columbus without close friends to bring out my lighter side. All that gets exposed is the poised, professional, ambitious business woman. ARgh... that sounds boring to me. I didn't dream of being the next banker extraodinaire when I was 5. Come to think of it, I didn't really dream of anything aside from being an artist of some kind; A dancer, an actress, or maybe president of the United States.

Okay, so all of these thoughts have put me in a mini mid-life crisis... okay, maybe not that dramatic. I think all it is that I miss not having my friends and those I love around me. Gosh, I never thought of myself as emotional... but I have a great appreciation for the love of my family and friends.

Righteo, tomorrow's President's Day and I'm planning an extremely lazy, lie in day. Of course, I should go to bed some time soon.

Another Career Change

2006-02-18T15:51:00.000-05:00

Okay, so 9 months ago I was posting about taking a new position... and now I am taking another one. Fast, eh? Well, I'm super excited. I was recruited for this position, which is always fun. It's with a bunch of people who are 'senior in experience... and age'. So a great learning opportunity to learn from them. It's a consulting role, so I'll be traveling a lot. Which is exciting, but I'm a bit nervous that I will get tired of living out of a suitcase. Of course, there is international travel, which has me very excited. I'd love to go abroad on the bank.

The job is within the Treasury side of the bank (trusts, bonds,CDs, etc.) and will focus on End to End Strategic Analysis. This translates into looking at product creation, sale, and delivery to access improvement opportunities and banking consumer trends. I'm excited. I am! At least, most of the time I am.

I'm sad to leave some of the people I work with. The divisional manager is awesome and I respect and like him so much... but that is not a smart career decision. And of course, there is Jorge... I can't believe how much I adore him (in a purely platonic way) and will definitely miss not having him around. Though, I'm sure I will enjoy my new group too... they seem fun and nice.

Gosh, this job took a lot of interviewing, 5 in total. I don't think I interviewed that much to get into the bank. And the BIG manager flat out told me that he would not have hired me if all he had was my resume. But, my reputation and others positive comments bought his acceptance... and now he is really excited to have me. I'm going to have fun 'kickin' butt.

Though, if I become one of those 'man' women at work and forget how to have fun... I'm hoping my friends will give me a reality check and tell me to 'GET a LIFE'.

Righteo... so I am going to clean my house, my normal Sat. routine.

There are no words....

2006-02-05T03:35:00.000-05:00

For how negligent I have been about this blog. Everytime I come and check it out, I love to read about what I was doing on whatever day. Most of the time, I had already forgotten about some of the details.... the funny details.

Anyway, things are progressing as always. I wake up every morning, a good thing.... but right now, it's 3:41 AM and I am exhausted.

I'll have to post later. I will make sure I do it soon since I have a lot going on right now... job, boys, sisters, co-workers, etc.

2005-09-25T21:13:00.000-04:00

I have just returned from a great weekend in Baltimore. It wasn't any site seeing extravaganza or something to tell stories about in upcoming years, but it was the perfect weekend. Relaxing, energizing (okay, i'm exhausted but there are other types of 'energizing' than sleep), and uplifting. I love being reminded that there is life outside of work and what I do in Columbus. The value of family and friends is something I am constantly reminded of here. Loneliness is not the best friend to have. One of my friends was telling me how they didn't want to get married, and that friends were all they needed. And I couldn't help but feel sorry for their future. Who knows if they will really end up alone, but the thought of it makes me sad for them. I don't wish that life on anyone. I don't want anyone to be alone, with no one waiting for them at home, to take care of them when they are sick, or to just laugh at something stupid that they do each day... to know the little things. I don't know, I guess maybe my priorities are different than theirs. Oh well.

So back to the trip to Baltimore... Anjali and I went shopping, saw 'Just like heaven' and went shopping again. Hee hee... No more shopping! I never thought I would be one of 'THOSE GIRLS' who loved to shop. I still don't like to shop... for clothes. But I love buying accessories and jewelry, all bad habits. Anyway, I bought some cute earrings, 4 pairs to be exact. The funny thing is, I'm going to wear the same earrings that I always wear. So the 4 I just bought will sit nicely in my jewelry box. Oh well, I guess I will think about returning them.

We then went to dinner at this Tapas place, which was really good. Except it turns out that my tolerance for alcohol is lower than my 100 lbs. sister. Unbelievable! Then we went to some club called MapleTree, where we paid a $10 cover to go in... Use the bathroom... and then leave. So, basically I paid $10 to use the bathroom... and it was nasty to boot. Oh well, it was fun. Then we were off to brunch this morning with Santosh and walking around the bay. It was a nice and relaxing weekend. All in all, a good time.

A Wireless Reality World

2005-09-15T18:44:00.000-04:00

So, I'm always talking on my cell or cordless phone... which means I can multi-task and be mobile. I'm always hiding wires and trying to make space easy to use. And now... After a LONG time, I have wireless internet. And I'm loving it. I can use it on my porch, in bed, in front of the TV, or even while I'm on the toilet should the desperate need to do so arise. And to make it even better, as I continue to unpack and move into my new apt... I'm able to move my computer around and never lose the chats I have going. So its almost like having someone with me as I do my boring tasks; you know... to keep me company.

In anycase, I've moved again... 3 time in 2 years. Crazy. I hate moving and keep thinking I should have bought a condo or something when I moved here. All that rent money that I've thrown away thinking that each year would be the 'last' year that I am here. Alas, fate has other plans. Anyway, having an apt. makes it easy to run away with Prince Charming (whenever he may arrive). Speaking of which, my mom and I are not talking. I accused her of only being able to talk about me getting married. She claimed that she does not only talk about that. And since, we haven't talked. I'm determined not to give in and talk to her first. I'm sure my dad will eventually step in and end the 'cold' war, but until then... we'll continue to find out details about each other from other family members. Who ever thinks my family is perfect, your mistaken. We are a reality show waiting to happen. Another, more polite and not as vulgar, Osbournes...

The Hilarity of Life

2005-07-27T20:51:00.000-04:00

Each day brings something new into my life... either it teaches me something or it amuses me. I just realized that the naive optimism that I once had for everything only comes out with old friends. I guess that is why I cherish my time with them.

Why is it that my blog is so reflective in nature? oh my gosh... so I am currently watching the A&E Pride & Prejudice and all I can reflect upon or think of is Mr Darcy (Collin Firth). I love Darcy's cool, confident composure with that touch of arrogance that comes with intellect and knowledge/experiences. Its attractive, but I imagine like Lizzie... I'd find it insufferable at first when it is directed at me. Or course, if behind all of that was a Mr. Darcy, well... I'd be in heaven. So anyway, I am too distracted to continue blogging.

The Unknown World

2005-06-16T22:38:00.000-04:00

Well, another birthday has passed. I'm a year older and not necessarily wiser. Though I can proudly say that the last year has brought a few silver hairs to my head. So, now that I am a quarter of a century... what is the next big step? What will I start working towards now? Career? Family? Peace of mind? Or maybe a little bit of each? I think I will try to focus on achieving a balance and a whole new level of life satisfaction.

In another stream of my life... since taking this new job it seems like my social life is picking up and I'm actually living life again. I went to California on vacation and for the first time in almost 2.5 years my mind was not consumed by work. I spent quality time with Kate and Sarah, so a lot of fun was had. And I even got to see the Incredibles... a movie I wanted to see but have never had time to do so. I'm so excited about this coming year, I have this nagging feeling that it will be the year that helps me define myself, my direction, and my heart.

I guess time will tell.

New Lights in My Life

2005-05-30T22:41:00.000-04:00

Tomorrow marks a new chapter in my life. I finally have left behind my job of 2 years for a new position within the same firm. I am moving from management to a project management/product development role. Official title: "Operations Manager" The title does not describe what I will be doing, which is good because the role is a lot more 'sexier' than the title would indicate. Or at least I tell myself this at every opportunity.

So, I will join my job and do the unthinkable... Take vacation time 2 days into my job. Who takes vacation when the start a new job? Well, as my old boss said, "'Princess Perfect' redifines accepted standards." A great trait when you are at work and trying to push to new hieghts... Funnier when it pertains to the rules of politics. Oh well! California... Here I come.

Speaking of which... Is Mr. Right really in California? My mom is obsessed with me getting married. So her friends and her have decided to set me up with on of their nephews. My big question... Is he aware of this set up? I don't know why I am so embarassed by it. I am so awkward and unsure of how to proceed when I don't know what someone's expectations & thoughts are. I guess I could ask, but that would be too bold for me. Could I handle the answer? As they say in A few Good Men , "You can't handle the truth!"

Time keeps on ticking, ticking, ticking. Into the future

2005-05-21T00:57:00.000-04:00

Its May 20th, or technically the 21st. The Nissan has suffered a small set back which resulted in my sister and I getting into a huge fight. Arg, its great having family around, but at some point in time you outgrow them and need a break. I love my parents, but I can't live with them at this time. It feels weird to have those restrictions and/or expectations set that have been present since you were 10. Time has changed me and sometimes I wish that social expectations would change accordingly. Anyway, I have no idea what I am babbling about.

I am going to go the Columbus Symphony tomorrow. I'm excited. I've invited along 2 friends (recently made) to come with. Hopefully it goes well and starts to stregnthen that new relationship. I really need to call Randy, he's called a few times and I have been out of town each time. Timing is critical sometimes. Of course, so is phone etiquette. I never promoted myself as being the expert on phone etiquette... so that'll be my excuse for my poor turnaround rate.

The Hidden Eyes

2005-05-16T21:47:00.000-04:00

I always think that I can hide my feelings, my thoughts, my desires... etc. Then someone comes along and says they see everything, just by looking in my eyes. At first I thought, "How lame". Then I started noticing that the more eye contact I make during uncomfortable/honesty demanding situations, the more direct and piercing questions I get. Or, the sheer fact of making eye contact means you acknowledge or destroy someone's intent.

Well, where is this all coming from. Another Match Making event. My mom and her friend wanted to set me up with her friend's nephew. So, this JoeShmo is living in JoeShmoVille... but is PERFECT for me in Columbus. And oh, by the way, the perfect way for us to meet is at family party where all concerned parties were aware of the 'tangent' opportunities. Meaning, they all knew that there could be a potential "Match" between us.

So how did I handle the situation? Very Maturely. I did a great duck and hide. Avoided eye contact at all times. Took my EXCELLENT (very sarcastic there) story telling skills to a new level. And then pretty much became the designated chauffeur for BoyToy and his party. Talk about being in an uncomfortable situation.

On an up side... I accepted that "intriguing" job offer. I gave up so much to do it too...But there is no looking back for me now. Actually I can't wait to get out of this crazy environment. I think they are going to keep for almost 1 month. Which is double trouble because I was demotivated 2 weeks ago when I finally got my offer.

Anyway, more updates later. For now, its bedtime.

And the World Keeps Turning!

2005-05-05T00:17:00.000-04:00

Without me writing. A month and a few days have passed... and at last I have a new computer. Not that mine was broken, but it was not the most inspiring tool. So, this will be my first post from my brand SPANKIN' new computer. YEAH!

And for some more changes. I am faced with a intriguing job offer. But that would mean I forfeit the promotion I have been working so hard for over the past 2 years. I would leave my current department for a new one in a lateral move. Of course, I would have a more standard work day, i.e. no more 14-16 hour days where I work too many hours and do 4 people's jobs.

In anycase... it is 12:30 AM and I need to be at work in a few hours. So, for now I will head off to bed. Then start tomorrow and finally answer 'yes' or 'no' to this job. AHHHHHHHHH! Grown up decisions are not fun to make!

Its Been a While

2005-03-27T16:17:00.000-05:00

Okay, more than a while. What can I say, I am bad at documenting my life and thoughts. Perhaps I just don't value it enough... at the time that is. I always look back and see how others have documented their 'life' and wish I had done the same. I just don't have the discipline to stick with this... I need to make an effort to capture my youth and remind myself of 'who I am'.

My computer fiasco still continues. I have it back, but no internet. So I have to wait for my sister's laptop... of course, her desktop is sitting there look pretty. But why use the old, when the new is available occasionally? Well anyway, I have been working a lot... again. And starting to really hate every minute of it. I feel the 'disengagement' setting in heavily. Time to get out or I will end up undermining myself and the reputation I have built.

Right, enough 'down heartedness' for the first entry after a while.

Outreach...

2005-02-05T13:14:00.000-05:00

I am so excited. I just realized that people other than my friends have visited my blog! Its fun to think that others read and find something I have to say interesting. I mean, my friends will always like me (or so I think) and it is always nice to add to that pool of people. Anyway, we will see if this trend continues. Someone will read this and say "Right... what a strange/lonely character." In some cases this is true b/c I am so far away from my original home and friends...I have a lot of friends, they just don't find Columbus an exciting relocation.

The Pay Off

2005-02-04T21:39:00.000-05:00

At long last, I have finally played the 'politics' right. This whole job has been a series of disappointments, mainly because my 'cool' boss is so disorganized he makes all of us look bad. But recently, I have been making an active effort to step out of his shadow. So lucky me got selected (over my boss) to go to Boston for a training class in Capacity/Staffing planning. I will be gone for a week... how exciting! I haven't been on a business trip since I took this job, so it will be fun to go and all that good stuff. I am so excited!

Well anyway, life is the same as always. I think I have finally, after 4 years, come out of my funk. I seem to be happier, I laugh a little louder, and I seem to be living a bit more freely. I breathe easy and don't stress out too much... at least not as much as I used to. Maybe its because I don't take work as seriously as I used to and because I stopped wishing for an escape back to the past... who knows. I think it is really hard to leave behind memories when they represent so much of what you loved and still miss. Just thinking of them sometimes makes me sad. I would do anything to have some of that time back or to have a piece of what I used to have here. But I can't... and I don't think it will ever be the same even if everything was here. That's life, it moves forward and either you can live or let it pass by... Lately I have been chosing to live!

And You Say He's Just a Friend!

2005-02-01T21:47:00.000-05:00

Okay, so I have a friend... a male friend... who I see just as a friend. But I think he may see me as more than that. So what can I do? He called last weekend and I did not pick up my phone. After all I was taking care of my sister who had her wisdom teeth taken out. So no matter what, I wasn't available to hang out. But I also want to create some distance... or more so clarity. I don't want to mislead him into thinking that I am interested. But everytime we hang out it seems like mini-dates. We always hang out alone. I have never met his friends. It all seems so odd... In anycase, he is a sweet heart, just not my type.

There is none of that excitement. I felt more for someone I had just met once during a fake poker game than I do for him. I still remember looking up and trying to bluff my way into a win... it was just me and him... and then you feel the connection. Or maybe that was the whole 'What is really going on with his card hand?' In anycase, there was more excitement there than in the multiple dinner/movies/sight seeing events. Argh... the 'I just see you as a friend' excuse is so lame.. but so true in this case.

The Never Ending Fatigue

2005-01-19T19:58:00.000-05:00

How is it that the week is always so tiring? I mean, its not like we are doing physical activities 24 hours a day. I think the mind has a lot more to do with how your body feels than most people would think. For instance, the dread and repetitiveness of everyday work takes a heavy toll on you. Your neck feels tense, your eyes are heavy, your muscles ache... and all you did is sit at a desk and stare at a computer screen. Or perhaps it is the sitting piece that makes working hard. Who knows. But in any case, I come home so tired and ready to take a nap. And then I force myself to stay up... and the next morning I am even more tired. The week continues this way and then I finally recover Friday night into Saturday morning. Am I becoming an old lady? It is starting to look that way. Maybe since I constantly lead an 'old lady' lifestyle I am becoming one... Right. Off to bed.

Nothing too exciting is going on. Quick recap:
Friday went to a poker party at Aaron's. Did not play, too chicken... plus I didn't want to lose the cash.

Sat. we (shif, crystal, and i) had a dinner party for all of their OSU and MACC friends. I basically cooked all day and prepared for the party. After the party we went out. First to B-Hampton and then to Carlisle Club. At Carlisle club Shif nearly got into a fight with some drunk $7 Million girl. We took a 30 year old guy with us, which got me to thinking about 'what will I be doing when I am 30?'.

Sunday, I managed to create disaster in Crystal's apartment that took nearly 4 hours to rectify. But on the upside, I managed to work out for 35 minutes. Not super good, but a start.

Believe it or not, I was able to observe the holiday on Monday. So it was another lazy day at Crystal's cooking and eating. Made fajita Mexican pizza's while she made some YUMMY guacamole. Now I know the secret too!

Then back to the daily grind..........

Nerves and consequent Successes

2005-01-13T22:45:00.000-05:00

I hate public presentations. I take that back, I do not like presenting to people I do not know. Especially if I have no warning or time to prepare. This week has been crazy. On Monday our site manager is talking about a possible presentation in February on some of our site initiatives. On Tuesday around 5 PM he is tells us that we are going to need to prepare our presentation for Thursday 1 PM. So in less than 48 hours we had to pull together a presentation on our site initiatives, a task that fell to the most computer and presentation creation savvy person... ME. Of course, if you put together the slides you know them and the thought process you went through to create them. So the next thing I knew I was presenting the material along with 1 other supervisor to all the sites nationwide. Talk about intimidation for someone who prefers to hide in the background... be the puppet master, not the puppets.

Anyway, its over now. Thank Goodness. And I did not do that badly. In fact, I thought I did better than some of the other people who spoke today. I know I did better than my co-worker. It is funny how 'corporate' college can make you. I find myself responding the way managers would not because I am experienced, moreso because I know what the 'right' statement would be. All the conditioning is paying off, I guess.

Then, my boss's boss's boss, Mickey, asked if he could meet with me for a few minutes. Those were some of the best minutes of my professional life. He looked me straight in the eye and said "I have a very short list of people I want to promote and you are one of them. Thank you for your hard work and dedication. Your results speak for themselves and you should be proud." I sat there stunned for a few minutes. To the point where I couldn't think of questions or comments or even replies. Usually I can come up with something. In this case I just sat there like a bump on a log. Speechless, thoughtless, and in completely unfamiliar territory. Talk about a boost to my engagement level. I guess I am back on track for caring about work...

Someone Else's Words That Ring True...

2005-01-13T22:31:00.000-05:00

Unknown author:

I once had a friend who grew to be very close to me. Once when we were sitting at the edge of a swimming pool, she filled the palm of her hand with some water and held it before me, and said "You see this water carefully contained on my hand? It symbolizes Love."

This was how I saw it:

As long as you keep your hand caringly open and allow it to remain there, it will always be there. However, if you attempt to close your fingers around it and possess it, it will spill through the first crack it finds. This is the greatest mistake that people make when they meet love...they try to possess it, they demand, they expect... and just like the water spilling out of your hand, love will recede from you. For love is meant to be free, you cannot change its nature. If there are people you love, allow them to be free beings.

Give and don't expect.
Advise, but don't order.
Ask, but never demand.

It might sound simple, but it is a lesson that may take a lifetime to truly practice. It is the secret to true love. To truly practice it, you must sincerely feel no expectations from those who you love, and yet an unconditional caring."

Passing thought...
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take; but by the
moment that take our breath away.....

Life is beautiful!!!
Live it to the fullest!!!

And She Scores...

2005-01-11T20:23:00.000-05:00

Big News... I just was elected the Chair of our corporate Asian Employee Network (AsPIRE)group. Now, this isn't exactly the most glamorous of roles... but it has a lot of visibility with senior management. And of course, I will have to do it on my own time. So, I have signed up to volunteer for approx. 10 hours a week for visibility...Probably the wrong reason. But hey, its just the little push I needed to be re-engaged in the company. It also serves as a great way for me to network for a new job. So anyway, we will see. I'm a little nervous about having that many people aware of my existence within the corporation. My role will entail promoting diversity within the bank, something I have always done through high school and college. I am excited about being able to work on it within a corporation, to educate people on what diversity means, and to encourage people to expand their knowledge so that they understand one and another. It makes me feel like I am in school again.

I think I like it when people underestimate me. For instance, if someone expects me to jump 1 foot and I know I can jump 2 feet their lack of faith makes me jump 3 feet. Make sense? Anyway, I love the challenge of proving people wrong and having them think "huh, guess I was off a bit." Maybe one day all the non-believers will come crawling to my side, but until then I will be satisfied with just knowing they had to rethink their initial estimation. Anyway, hopefully I never fail and prove them right...

A Bright Tomorrow!

2005-01-09T21:31:00.000-05:00

Time that runs away... or in my case, its time that is never made! I don't make the time to read, I don't make the time to work out, I don't make the time to study for the GMAT, I don't make time to do a lot of things. Maybe it is time to start making time. Funny, everyone is worried about going back in time... but what if we turned that concept around and created time? What a difference in approach. Something to think about going into this year.

Anyway, I keep smiling these days. Maybe I have finally gotten out of my funk. Work is not so serious anymore. Wait, I take that back. I just don't take it as seriously 80% of the time. Okay, maybe 60% of the time. But that is better than I used to be. So I will take what I can get for now. I am not so hung up on getting ahead as I am on achieving a healthy work life balance. It starts by taking vacation days... going into work and working a 10 hour day, not 14 hours... and doing what I know best, being creative. So, I have a real hopeful outlook for this year. Perhaps I will be 'creating' time this year, rather than wishing I could get it back.

Almost Forgotten Promises

2005-01-05T22:05:00.000-05:00

Wow, my resolution to keep this up almost failed. I need to do a better job with the self discipline. Anyway, it seems like not much has happened yet so many things. New Year's in Chicago, fiasco's at work, jammed knee, and insubordination. But now I am sleep deprived and will have to document later.

Just another day...

2004-12-25T14:12:00.000-05:00

Two days after the storm the roads are still unsafe. The ice and snow slush is all over... melting, freezing, melting, freezing, etc. I have seen so many cars stranded on major roads and highways. I don't think Columbus knows how to recover from snow, let alone how to drive in it. In Illinois, 2 days after this type of weather we would have had clear streets... even the rural ones. But lucky for me, I live in Ohio. Because of the poor driving conditions, I am not able to go home for the weekend. Which is depressing because I was really looking forward to seeing my family, especially my mom who just got back from India. I know she is safe and all, but I just want to see her with my own eyes. And I was suppose to meet up with some of my dearest friends tomorrow... guess I will have to call and break the news to them. If I didn't like Ohio before, I am really not liking it now.

Anyway, dinner last night was good. I eat way to slow, everyone was done and I was still sitting there with all my food. I ended up having to waste so much of it. And I feel bad because I think they thought I may not have liked it. But it wasn't that, I just eat slow and didn't want everyone staring at me for the next 20 minutes while I tried to finish it all. I hate it when you first meet people, it is awkward and you are stuck making decisions based on perceptions and the unknown. Who knows, I would hate for anyone to think I was rude because I made some bad 'social' decisions. But in anycase... dinner was good and I had fun. We all played cards, a game in which I proved that winning isn't always the best thing. I lost, and lost, and lost... it was actually funny at how bad my luck was. But then it started to turn around later in the game, to everyone's satisfaction. I still was the biggest loser, but at least I had got the game.

At Long Last

2004-12-24T17:00:00.000-05:00

Home! I never thought I would be excited to come home after the whole peeping tom thing, but let me tell you... where ever my bed is I will always be excited to go there. I just finished working 31 hours straight. And oh, by the way I am a Meets player. Due to the snow storm our whole strategy changed and I was in disaster recovery mode. Since no other supervisors were there (they all had vacation, good planning on their parts) I ended up covering all the shifts. I need sleep, but as usual I have my second wind (at this point it may be my 4th or 5th wind).

But instead of going to sleep like a good girl, I stayed up and spent time with Aaron. I hadn't really seen him in a while. We chatted a lot. He kept asking why I wasn't dating, not because he wants to date me (we already went down that road) but because he doesn't think it is good for me to be alone. Especially since he says I always look sad these days. Which is directly related to the whole dissatisfaction with work, social life, and home. I just didn't realize that the whole world could see it. On a good note... the spark seems to be coming back.

Well, due to the storm I missed my Thurs. dinner. So all that anxiety for nothing, right? Wrong. She rescheduled for tonight. I still haven't slept (36 hours and counting) and want to cancel. But when I called she was insistent... so off I go. I only hope it all works out fine. A positive of fatigue is that I don't have the energy or mental power to actually worry about the whole thing.

Roughing It!

2004-12-23T13:48:00.000-05:00

Weds. into Thurs. we received an Ice Storm. And just like a kid, I started praying for a 'snow day'. And sure enough, the police said no one was to drive. Yeah! No work. But then I realized, I am in one of those positions where you still have to go, i.e. management. So, off I went to scrape my car, but it wasn't really scraping so much as hacking through a 2 inch layer of ice. I first had to pry my door open, not easy given the ice covering. After I got in and got the car started I spent another hour just pulling the ice off of the windshield, windows, door handles, etc. I even started a little game with myself, How big of a piece can I take off at once. Just as I thought I was making progress this college kid comes out of his house in shorts and says 'Hell No!' and goes back in. I'm thinking, okay... you're gonna have to do it sometime or the other. Well a few minutes later he comes out with a bucket of hot water and proceeds to pour it over the car. I was shocked, afterall my dad told me to NEVER do this. Well, he didn't damage his car with this method and managed to have it cleaned off within 15 minutes. So, he saved himself approx. 1:15... not bad.

Ray of Humor

2004-12-22T18:52:00.000-05:00

I have an employee who wants me to meet her son. Now, this is a total conflict of interest. But in the spirit of saying 'screw the job', I said I would go to dinner at her place. It'll be her, her husband, her older son and his wife, and the younger (my future husband to be) son... and ME. How awkward. If I survive this experience it'll be one bright, funny spot on the week. Not to be pessimistic, but given the week I have had I am expecting fate to deliver utter humiliation 10 times over.

All I am hoping for is that she did not tell him about me or the purpose of me coming to dinner. That alone would make me die of embarassment... him knowing that his mom wants to set us up. Or if he does know this, I hope he doesn't know that I know too. But if he knows that I know and is aware of the situation himself... EEEK! Man, I wish I knew if he knew. Worse yet... I wonder if his brother and sister in law know... what if they all know why I am coming and know that I know? Is this getting a bit confusing? Well it makes sense in my overdrive mind. I wish I knew... That would do a lot for my confidence and approach. Maybe I should just pretend like I don't know anything about what his mom has planned in her head. Okay, enough thinking about this... its making me sick to my stomach. What have I agreed too?????????

The Breaking Point

2004-12-22T18:35:00.000-05:00

This week has gone from 'okay' to 'horrible' in the span of 2 days. I had my year end evaluation only to realize that my boss will not be recongnizing me for my achievements this year due to some corporate politics. Of course, after spending the last 1.5 years doing nothing but working I did not take this well. People keep telling me that it is not a big deal. But to me, it is. I left my family, friends, and a city I loved to relocate, work like a dog, and have no social life. The sacrifice was suppose to pay off in a promotion, title, 'exceeds' rating, etc. Or so I thought. I hate the fact that it isn't about what I did, its about how I played the game. And this season I didn't do to well. Or maybe it was my boss who didn't do well since he ultimately is the one who pushes these things through. In any case, I can't believe that they were willing to de-value everything I worked and strived for this year. I have thought it was time to leave for 5 months, this just proves that there is no need for loyalty.

So realizing that my 'work' life was falling apart (I can't think straight at work unless I am thinking about ways to leave) I started retreating into my 'cave'. Only to have my friendly neighbor tell me that she has seen a guy at my window a few times over the past few weeks. Now, I had a problem with this in August but had assumed it was resolved. So now I am terrified of being in my apartment, alone.

Okay, so work sucks... home sucks... what more can go wrong? Well, I have had to endure lectures from family about all the things I should 'have' done differently over the year to ensure that they rated me an 'exceeds'. Also, about how I should get bars for my windows. And finally, what actions I should take to ensure no one thinks they can treat me like they have been, both personally and professionally.

A year and a half of extreme stress, no work-life balance, and exhaustion...I think I'm broken. Enough!

Era of Commitment

2004-12-20T22:03:00.000-05:00

Day 2 of the new blog. So far so good, right? Well, what was it that Tom Hanks said in Sleepless in Seattle... Something to the effect of "first I will remind myself to breathe and get up in the morning. And after a while I won't have to remind myself." Hopefully the same proves true for this blogging experience. Anyway, enough self doubt. I will stay true. I just imagine what it would be like if I had the last 3 years documented. How great would it be to go back and read some of my life, to understand how I had grown, to perhaps remind myself of lost dreams, or just to relive a piece of my youth for a moment... I think I will do a better job this time.

Right. So today I got a semi-scolding from my boss. We have this awesome relationship where I can be VERY honest with him and he listens objectively. Sometimes I think he looks at me as a kid, which I am given corporate world standards. Though I may have crossed the line a bit last Friday. Not so much by what I said, but the forum I chose to say it in. Anyway, tomorrow is my year end review so I am sure my 'lack of professionalism' will now be on the agenda. Good thing bonuses and raises were already determined!

So, it is 10:15 and I am exhausted. I actually have been tired since about noon today. I don't know if it is the cold, laziness, or just jet lag that is making me sleepy. All in all, I generally go to bed at 9 PM these days. Very unlike the night owl syndrome I have suffered for many years. Anyway, maybe the approach to a quarter of a century is starting to surface in 'old lady' habits. Who knows... it could also be a lack of a social life? I'd like to think it is jet lag, at least for now.

A Lost Memory, A Lost blog

2004-12-19T20:34:00.000-05:00

All good intentions went out the door the moment I signed off. I had the best of intentions of writing religiously and documenting my life... but here I am, 1.5 months later, still trying to remember how to sign into my blog. Alas, I gave up and have started over again, I even copy n' pasted the original post. Thus it will not be lost completely. The story of my blogging life... I am always starting over. Anyway, here is to a new beginning...hopefully one that will last.

So, the previous 'lost' blog was named 'Inspirations of a Bleak Mind'... The new one should have an equally long title. Anyway, so where did this title come from? Well if you know me at all, you know that my mind is always thinking. Sometimes too much for my own good.

I realized the other day that each person seeks to find someone that understands them. But with each passing day, be it eventful or ordinary, an experience is added to the shell of our personality. Ultimately our hearts remain the same, its these little experiences that build our reactions to situations. I can't go back and explain my 20 odd years to someone. So, there will always be pieces of me they don't know... and may not understand. Perfect example, my year in France was amazing. But I can't explain the depth of that experience to anyone, only those who shared it with me understand it.

Each day I become a little more complicated... making it a little harder for someone to 'understand' me. Hopefully this wait ends soon, before I am too complicated. I guess meeting people young is always a good idea. Then they grow with you!

Hush, Hush

2004-10-20T20:08:00.000-04:00

So I have started yet another blog... but I'm keeping it hush hush for now due to the monumental flop my first blog was. Talk about needing dedication to keep up on this thing. I always had an excuse for why I couldn't do this... or why I couldn't be disciplined enough to sit down each day to finish it out. Guess I have finally matured enough to say "Enough Excuses" its time for Action.

Right, so speaking of inspirations... I had one for the day. I was interviewing some soon to be college graduates for possible full time positions. I remembered what it was like to be in their seats with idealism still first in my mind, the world at my fingertips with opportunities begging to be tapped, and that unlimited amount of energy and enthusiasm that comes with no responsibility. Do you remember those days? Then I remembered that it was only 2 years ago that I was in their seats. TWO years... how fast the time has gone.

Anyway, at the end of all the interviews all I could think about was 'how can I reacquaint myself with that attitude/zest in life?' How can I step out of the ole' lady working routine into the fresh, hip, young, energetic realm again. It can't be too hard, right? Well, I started thinking about it and haven't quite been able to figure out how to make the change while still maintaining the respect I have gained at work and the confidence I have in my abilities throughout life. I went from the shy, positive, desparately quiet girl into this force who is able to manage various personalities, command a room of individuals' attention, and gain the trust of many senior leaders.

Life sucks when there are too many responsibilities and complications. Its time to work towards that beach side hut where I can peddle off some hand made artifacts for a bare bones existence. Any takers to go with me on this journey? No... Well maybe you can vicariously do it by reading this. Assuming I stay on top of it.