Confusion

Okay, so many things are going right in my life... when compared with others. But I can't help feeling that I keep missing out on things, or not making my goals, or feeling as if I'm never going to get to that place I am not aware of wanting to be. Maybe I'm just lost. But I think I have been this way my whole life; Always holding back, talking my heart out of what it wants to do/say, calculating the risk/vunerability of situations, letting life pass by. Is this my destiny? To always feel like I'm only half alive?

Or do others feel the same way? Maybe we are all sharing the same thoughts and are oblivious to the difference or pretending not to notice. I know the imp in my well. The side that has so many 'crazy' brainy ideas, always pushing the limits, defining life on my terms... 99% of the time, this side is dormant. It's almost like I'm frightened of that side, of being looked down upon, or of being the odd one at family functions. There are times this side is set free, which is the 1% of the time when alcohol is present.

Hee hee.... okay, not only when I've had a few drinks. Close friends get that side too. Perhaps that's the problem... almost 3 years in Columbus without close friends to bring out my lighter side. All that gets exposed is the poised, professional, ambitious business woman. ARgh... that sounds boring to me. I didn't dream of being the next banker extraodinaire when I was 5. Come to think of it, I didn't really dream of anything aside from being an artist of some kind; A dancer, an actress, or maybe president of the United States.

Okay, so all of these thoughts have put me in a mini mid-life crisis... okay, maybe not that dramatic. I think all it is that I miss not having my friends and those I love around me. Gosh, I never thought of myself as emotional... but I have a great appreciation for the love of my family and friends.

Righteo, tomorrow's President's Day and I'm planning an extremely lazy, lie in day. Of course, I should go to bed some time soon.