Just another day...

Two days after the storm the roads are still unsafe. The ice and snow slush is all over... melting, freezing, melting, freezing, etc. I have seen so many cars stranded on major roads and highways. I don't think Columbus knows how to recover from snow, let alone how to drive in it. In Illinois, 2 days after this type of weather we would have had clear streets... even the rural ones. But lucky for me, I live in Ohio. Because of the poor driving conditions, I am not able to go home for the weekend. Which is depressing because I was really looking forward to seeing my family, especially my mom who just got back from India. I know she is safe and all, but I just want to see her with my own eyes. And I was suppose to meet up with some of my dearest friends tomorrow... guess I will have to call and break the news to them. If I didn't like Ohio before, I am really not liking it now.

Anyway, dinner last night was good. I eat way to slow, everyone was done and I was still sitting there with all my food. I ended up having to waste so much of it. And I feel bad because I think they thought I may not have liked it. But it wasn't that, I just eat slow and didn't want everyone staring at me for the next 20 minutes while I tried to finish it all. I hate it when you first meet people, it is awkward and you are stuck making decisions based on perceptions and the unknown. Who knows, I would hate for anyone to think I was rude because I made some bad 'social' decisions. But in anycase... dinner was good and I had fun. We all played cards, a game in which I proved that winning isn't always the best thing. I lost, and lost, and lost... it was actually funny at how bad my luck was. But then it started to turn around later in the game, to everyone's satisfaction. I still was the biggest loser, but at least I had got the game.

At Long Last

Home! I never thought I would be excited to come home after the whole peeping tom thing, but let me tell you... where ever my bed is I will always be excited to go there. I just finished working 31 hours straight. And oh, by the way I am a Meets player. Due to the snow storm our whole strategy changed and I was in disaster recovery mode. Since no other supervisors were there (they all had vacation, good planning on their parts) I ended up covering all the shifts. I need sleep, but as usual I have my second wind (at this point it may be my 4th or 5th wind).

But instead of going to sleep like a good girl, I stayed up and spent time with Aaron. I hadn't really seen him in a while. We chatted a lot. He kept asking why I wasn't dating, not because he wants to date me (we already went down that road) but because he doesn't think it is good for me to be alone. Especially since he says I always look sad these days. Which is directly related to the whole dissatisfaction with work, social life, and home. I just didn't realize that the whole world could see it. On a good note... the spark seems to be coming back.

Well, due to the storm I missed my Thurs. dinner. So all that anxiety for nothing, right? Wrong. She rescheduled for tonight. I still haven't slept (36 hours and counting) and want to cancel. But when I called she was insistent... so off I go. I only hope it all works out fine. A positive of fatigue is that I don't have the energy or mental power to actually worry about the whole thing.

Roughing It!

Weds. into Thurs. we received an Ice Storm. And just like a kid, I started praying for a 'snow day'. And sure enough, the police said no one was to drive. Yeah! No work. But then I realized, I am in one of those positions where you still have to go, i.e. management. So, off I went to scrape my car, but it wasn't really scraping so much as hacking through a 2 inch layer of ice. I first had to pry my door open, not easy given the ice covering. After I got in and got the car started I spent another hour just pulling the ice off of the windshield, windows, door handles, etc. I even started a little game with myself, How big of a piece can I take off at once. Just as I thought I was making progress this college kid comes out of his house in shorts and says 'Hell No!' and goes back in. I'm thinking, okay... you're gonna have to do it sometime or the other. Well a few minutes later he comes out with a bucket of hot water and proceeds to pour it over the car. I was shocked, afterall my dad told me to NEVER do this. Well, he didn't damage his car with this method and managed to have it cleaned off within 15 minutes. So, he saved himself approx. 1:15... not bad.

Ray of Humor

I have an employee who wants me to meet her son. Now, this is a total conflict of interest. But in the spirit of saying 'screw the job', I said I would go to dinner at her place. It'll be her, her husband, her older son and his wife, and the younger (my future husband to be) son... and ME. How awkward. If I survive this experience it'll be one bright, funny spot on the week. Not to be pessimistic, but given the week I have had I am expecting fate to deliver utter humiliation 10 times over.

All I am hoping for is that she did not tell him about me or the purpose of me coming to dinner. That alone would make me die of embarassment... him knowing that his mom wants to set us up. Or if he does know this, I hope he doesn't know that I know too. But if he knows that I know and is aware of the situation himself... EEEK! Man, I wish I knew if he knew. Worse yet... I wonder if his brother and sister in law know... what if they all know why I am coming and know that I know? Is this getting a bit confusing? Well it makes sense in my overdrive mind. I wish I knew... That would do a lot for my confidence and approach. Maybe I should just pretend like I don't know anything about what his mom has planned in her head. Okay, enough thinking about this... its making me sick to my stomach. What have I agreed too?????????

The Breaking Point

This week has gone from 'okay' to 'horrible' in the span of 2 days. I had my year end evaluation only to realize that my boss will not be recongnizing me for my achievements this year due to some corporate politics. Of course, after spending the last 1.5 years doing nothing but working I did not take this well. People keep telling me that it is not a big deal. But to me, it is. I left my family, friends, and a city I loved to relocate, work like a dog, and have no social life. The sacrifice was suppose to pay off in a promotion, title, 'exceeds' rating, etc. Or so I thought. I hate the fact that it isn't about what I did, its about how I played the game. And this season I didn't do to well. Or maybe it was my boss who didn't do well since he ultimately is the one who pushes these things through. In any case, I can't believe that they were willing to de-value everything I worked and strived for this year. I have thought it was time to leave for 5 months, this just proves that there is no need for loyalty.

So realizing that my 'work' life was falling apart (I can't think straight at work unless I am thinking about ways to leave) I started retreating into my 'cave'. Only to have my friendly neighbor tell me that she has seen a guy at my window a few times over the past few weeks. Now, I had a problem with this in August but had assumed it was resolved. So now I am terrified of being in my apartment, alone.

Okay, so work sucks... home sucks... what more can go wrong? Well, I have had to endure lectures from family about all the things I should 'have' done differently over the year to ensure that they rated me an 'exceeds'. Also, about how I should get bars for my windows. And finally, what actions I should take to ensure no one thinks they can treat me like they have been, both personally and professionally.

A year and a half of extreme stress, no work-life balance, and exhaustion...I think I'm broken. Enough!

Era of Commitment

Day 2 of the new blog. So far so good, right? Well, what was it that Tom Hanks said in Sleepless in Seattle... Something to the effect of "first I will remind myself to breathe and get up in the morning. And after a while I won't have to remind myself." Hopefully the same proves true for this blogging experience. Anyway, enough self doubt. I will stay true. I just imagine what it would be like if I had the last 3 years documented. How great would it be to go back and read some of my life, to understand how I had grown, to perhaps remind myself of lost dreams, or just to relive a piece of my youth for a moment... I think I will do a better job this time.

Right. So today I got a semi-scolding from my boss. We have this awesome relationship where I can be VERY honest with him and he listens objectively. Sometimes I think he looks at me as a kid, which I am given corporate world standards. Though I may have crossed the line a bit last Friday. Not so much by what I said, but the forum I chose to say it in. Anyway, tomorrow is my year end review so I am sure my 'lack of professionalism' will now be on the agenda. Good thing bonuses and raises were already determined!

So, it is 10:15 and I am exhausted. I actually have been tired since about noon today. I don't know if it is the cold, laziness, or just jet lag that is making me sleepy. All in all, I generally go to bed at 9 PM these days. Very unlike the night owl syndrome I have suffered for many years. Anyway, maybe the approach to a quarter of a century is starting to surface in 'old lady' habits. Who knows... it could also be a lack of a social life? I'd like to think it is jet lag, at least for now.

A Lost Memory, A Lost blog

All good intentions went out the door the moment I signed off. I had the best of intentions of writing religiously and documenting my life... but here I am, 1.5 months later, still trying to remember how to sign into my blog. Alas, I gave up and have started over again, I even copy n' pasted the original post. Thus it will not be lost completely. The story of my blogging life... I am always starting over. Anyway, here is to a new beginning...hopefully one that will last.

So, the previous 'lost' blog was named 'Inspirations of a Bleak Mind'... The new one should have an equally long title. Anyway, so where did this title come from? Well if you know me at all, you know that my mind is always thinking. Sometimes too much for my own good.

I realized the other day that each person seeks to find someone that understands them. But with each passing day, be it eventful or ordinary, an experience is added to the shell of our personality. Ultimately our hearts remain the same, its these little experiences that build our reactions to situations. I can't go back and explain my 20 odd years to someone. So, there will always be pieces of me they don't know... and may not understand. Perfect example, my year in France was amazing. But I can't explain the depth of that experience to anyone, only those who shared it with me understand it.

Each day I become a little more complicated... making it a little harder for someone to 'understand' me. Hopefully this wait ends soon, before I am too complicated. I guess meeting people young is always a good idea. Then they grow with you!